Wednesday, March 14, 2012
I've Finally Let the Secretive Beast Out of the Cage
So as some of you may know I have yet to blog on this topic. In addition, since I want the blog to be about pure honesty I've decided to speak about one of the most secretive psychiatric diseases. I have, had, and do have an eating disorder. As those with eating disorders know, they are with you for life. You can tame the beast, but that beast is always in hiding. There are periods in life when the eating disorder is controlled, and others when your need for control overpowers the eating disorder.
My "diagnosis,” is Eating Disorder NOS. I don't fit the criteria for Anorexia, and Bulimia. Basically, I am a non-binging, eating restricted, purging, NOS. I never seem to fit any sort of mold ever though. I have been in two eating disorder clinics. The first time I was inpatient at the Renfrew Clinic in Pennsylvania. In addition, the second time I was at St. Joseph's in Baltimore, Maryland, but this eating clinic has since closed.
As you know eating disorders are about control. Therefore, some days, weeks, months, are better than others. Nevertheless, my days are always are the same.
1.) Wake up weigh myself
2.) Drink coffee, to starve the hunger for the day
4.) Eat dinner, and if I feel like I have not had many calories, I am good. If not it's purging
5.) After purging, weigh myself
6.) Eat something sugary (small of course)
7.) Before bed weigh myself
Repeat next day!
I'm not saying this is always the pattern, and I do though go for days, and weeks without purging, and it comes and goes. However, like I said, the beast might be caged, just waiting for someone to unlock him, or be tamed for a bit, but the beast for me NEVER dies. My life is spent thinking in terms of calories, and pretty much analyzing all aspects of food whenever I see food, or it goes into my mouth.
Eating disorders suck.....never too thin, always too fat, never pleased with the way I look. It is draining....as you, know. The scary thing is, is that Eating Disorders kills more folks than any other mental disease or illness.
So now, it's out....and speaking about it and talking to others about the "beast,” is so helpful.